Alternate Tube Lines

David Stark / Zarkonnen
29 Dec 2015, 1:38 a.m.

Northern Remember to bring a jacket. Take care when entering and exiting the sleds as the station may be icy. Do not feed the reindeer.

Hammersmith and City Operated by dwarves. Mind your head.

Central The last thing you remember is going through the ticket barrier. You're now at your intended destination. Travel times vary widely, but you only rarely arrive before you depart.

Metropolitan Our ongoing modernisation programme aims to eliminate the old entrails-based signalling systems by 2025. Until then, please report any omens to the nearest member of staff.

District Please do not approach the plague-zombies harnessed to the carriages. There's plenty of them left in the pits, so there's no need to volunteer.

Turtle This near-circular grand underground canal was built in the late 1890s. Giant turtles provide a slow but reliable service except during mating season.

Jubilee After the 2007 closure of Limbo, it was paved over and redeveloped as a piece of public transport infrastructure. Please report any ghost babies to the nearest member of staff.

Piccadilly As you enter the carriage, sleep overtakes you. At your destination, your doppelganger awakens instantly and goes about the business of your day. Don't worry: your doppelganger is acting in your best interests.

Victoria Imaginary line. Service is frequently interrupted due to the wrong kind of beliefs about the tracks.

Bakerloo To make crossing the river easier, service is partially routed through an alternate dimension. You will pass some "ghost stations". Do not make eye contact with the hooded figures therein.

Waterloo & City As a cost-cutting measure, passengers are liquefied, pumped to their destination, and reconstituted. As always, the tube can be crowded, and you may end up sharing personal space, thoughts, emotions and stomach contents with fellow passengers.