A grammar for trolley problems

David Stark / Zarkonnen

26 Apr 2015, 2:55 p.m.

Trolley problems are ethical thought experiments that are IMO a bit too popular and contrived. McSweeney's did a recent post making fun of them and inspired me to create a generator for them.

The generator is based on a context-free grammar, a notation that lets you describe symbols turning into sequences of other symbols. It's on GitHub and I'm enthusiastically accepting pull requests for additional entities that could be imperiled by trolleys.

(Click text to generate another one.)

blog
humor

Trainzack26 Apr 2015, 7:04 p.m."You see a trolley rushing towards a version of you who made all the right choices clutching the only designs for a machine of perfect happiness. In front of you is a lever, which lets redirect the trolley towards [someone else, who doesn't particularly deserve to die]" Looks like he didn't actually make all the right choices, otherwise he wouldn't be about to be hit by a trolley. Also, when I selected the text to quote it, it generated new text and I had to instead reconstruct this from memory.
selenized8 Jul 2015, 12:44 a.m."You see a trolley rushing towards the trolley safety inspector whose inattention to detail caused the runaway trolley clutching the unique device that permits you to unerringly perceive the precise nature of entities potentially imperiled by trolleys. In front of you is a lever, which lets you redirect the trolley towards an utilitarian instead." I pull the lever?
MatthewTheLucky10 Sep 2016, 10:08 p.m.I got quite possibly the easiest one. You see a trolley rushing towards you clutching the only copy of a book that explains how to correctly resolve all trolley problems. In front of you is a lever, which lets you redirect the trolley towards a rapist clutching an exact molecular-level copy of the Mona Lisa instead.
MatthewTheLucky10 Sep 2016, 10:09 p.m.And a hard one. You see a trolley rushing towards a sentient trolley with feelings and a complex and beautiful inner life. In front of you is a lever, which lets you redirect the trolley towards the villain who set the trolley in motion with murderous intent clutching the only existing copy of Kant's "Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Morals" and the only existing copy of a definitive proof of the existence of God instead.
MatthewTheLucky10 Sep 2016, 10:12 p.m.And the easiest one: You see a trolley rushing towards Hitler. In front of you is a lever, which lets you redirect the trolley towards the trolley safety inspector whose inattention to detail caused the runaway trolley clutching the arc of the covenant instead.